Highlights from the LuguLake Q9a Qi Wireless Charger Manual

I just bought a wireless charger for my phone. You lay the phone down on it, and like magic, the battery receives power through the magic of electromagnetism. The engineering was done quite well.

The English translation of the manual? Not so much.

From context clues, I’m guessing a “heart-birth-maker” is a pacemaker, though it could just as easily be a uterus. Just to be safe, don’t plug the wireless charger in and then carry it around in either your breast pocket or your underpants.

As an electrical device, the charger of course presents various risks if it is used improperly. This page goes on and on, with different actions leading to one or more dire consequences in very specific combinations. Wet hands pulling out the AC adapter? Fire and shock. Dust? No fire, but heat and shock. “The protectors”, presumably of earth from aliens and/or robots, are there to prevent “shock and wound”, but not fire or heat. And surreptitiously slipping something between the charger and the phone (“charging machine”) “may lead to heart, fire and burn”, which if I recall correctly are three of the five Captain Planet kids’ rings.

If you’re wondering what those symbols are for, they’re very clearly described earlier in the manual.

While bellowing warnings about fire and wound might actually be appropriate, the placement of these icons is really more a graphic design problem rather than a language problem. They’re inserted on the line after the instruction rather than on the same line, so it looks like you should not lead to electric shock and wound, which … okay, that’s kind of good advice anyway.

Note relative size of this warning that your credit cards might get a little scrambled and the earlier warning that this device will literally stop your heart from beating. Insert scathing commentary of society’s valuation of commerce over life.

For the unfiltered, sublime directions, check out the full manual (1.2MB PDF).